Children, Family, Forgiveness, Obedience

Middle Man

 

This is hard. It is perhaps not so hard to forgive a single great injury. But to forgive the incessant provocations of daily life—to keep on forgiving the bossy mother-in-law, the bullying husband, the nagging wife, the selfish daughter, the deceitful son—how can we do it? Only, I think, by remembering where we stand, by meaning our words when we say in our prayers each night ‘forgive our trespasses as we forgive those that trespass against us.’ We are offered forgiveness on no other terms. To refuse it is to refuse God’s mercy for ourselves. There is no hint of exceptions and God means what He says.   C. S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory (New York: Harper Collins, 2001; Originally published 1949), 181-183

“What is wrong with you?” I breath these hot words at him. His pink-moon face stares back frowning, those his aqua eyes, glistening with tears held back.

We are in a difficult season it seems, he and I. We course through our days struggling to make peace, fumbling for a way to understand each other.

I thought these years were still ahead of me.

Foolishness, I see that now.

He’s big for five, two times the size of most five year olds and that stature causes me to forget. I imagine him to be eight or nine, and then perhaps I go on further to expect behavior on a level higher than I should. He is only five. And he is every bit awkward and wild and sweet and forceful and gentle and impossible to figure out entirely.

He lives his days sandwiched by the one who came before, and the two who followed and he is looking for a space all his own. I know his struggle, living in between-

We knock heads hard some days and both of us, ruddy from sparking moments, limping off to recover, needing forgiveness and healing for the small wounds we make in this process of learning to love well, to live intentionally-

With him, I feel the weight of a thousand mistakes a day. I know I have this one chance, and like an amateur, I fumble and drop it, I trip and throw frustrated hands to heaven and think, why does this have to be so hard?

Our nature is rebellion. He lives it wild and full, minute by minute. My job, to steer, to teach, to encourage- and to love,

through it all to love-

and show love.

I rest in my bed in the middle of the day, a rare thing anymore, and my body weighs a million pounds, recounting the mornings frustrations. I whisper difficult prayers for forgiveness, for direction, for inspiration, for the ability to do it all better- pleas for second, third and fourth chances…

These days it feels as if I must seek forgiveness around every bend. I stumble through, lacking any semblance of grace, hoping that one of these days, I will get it right-

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. Psalm 51:10-12

 

Walking with Ann and others this week, learning about forgiveness…

Comments

  1. I feel that weight too, “of a thousand mistakes a day”, and I think this is the plight of every mother, everywhere, as we realize each day the solemnity of the task at hand.  How can I go on when I am so flawed?  But grace…always grace…erases the heaviness, one ounce at a time.  If we only claim it, grab hold of it, and forgive ourselves as well.  This touched my mama’s heart today, Kris.  Thanks.  🙂

    Reply
    1. Anonymous

      yes, grace. Thank God for grace in abundance. How desperately I need it. This mom thing is not for the faint of heart. What a tremendous and rewarding and overwhelming task it is… 😉

      Reply
  2. Visting from Ann’s today, and as a Mom of 5, I am standing right with you in feeling the weight of one thousand mistakes a day, with endless chances to die to self and love like Him instead. Thank you for your words today, and I’m so thankful for His grace and mercies which are new every morning, in every moment!

    Reply
  3. Oh dear one,
    Do I understand! I have often joked that having 7 children is God’s Remedial Patience Class and I am a permanent student. It is so hard when our sin natures butt heads, my children and mine. And so many days, it feels like being vertical and breathing is the highest level of success I can attain for the day. But, as one “down the road” a little farther, hold on! Each of these seemingly tiny steps in this journey of mothering add up to many miles traveled as the years advance. The Lord is SO Faithful! So very Faithful!! He redeems even our most futile, stumbling efforts to train them up in the way they should go. And the Fruit!!!!! Oh my!!! You have such Glorious Fruit to anticipate! When I look at them now (ages 23 down to 11), I am so incredibly blessed to witness what He has done in them!!!! Remember, the season you are in will not last forever and each season we pass brings us closer to the Harvest that only a momma can truly appreciate! 🙂

    Reply
    1. Anonymous

      Oh thank you, friend, for these words!! I needed to hear them and am so thankful for your wisdom and encouragement. God is faithful and the hard days are definitely tempered by the blessings that come from His good hand. God bless you, seven children, how wonderful!! Thank you so much for sharing your sweet words with me. Bless you, friend.

      Reply
  4. Christina@toshowthemjesus.com

    “With him, I feel the weight of a thousand mistakes a day. I know I have this one chance, and like an amateur, I fumble and drop it, I trip and throw frustrated hands to heaven and think, why does this have to be so hard?” I can relate to your words.  I have one I but heads with quite often.  Sigh. So grateful for forgiveness in Jesus!  Thanks for this great post!

    Reply
  5. So honest and true. I think all moms can relate…I know I can, even though my children are still very small. The weight of my own mistakes is very heavy…thank goodness for the saving grace of Jesus that fills in all of the cracks! Thank you for this! God bless you, Kris…you’re a sweet mom and I love how you express yourself through words. 🙂

    Reply
    1. Anonymous

      Ashlie~ You are always so generous and kind with your comments. Thank you for reading here. and YES! Thank God for Jesus who fills in all the cracks!! I love that!! Blessings to you, friend.

      Reply

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