Five Minute Friday, Grace, Growth, One Word, Struggle, Trust

See

It’s Friday, just a couple minutes into the new day and my eye lids droop with exhaustion, my feet hurt from the miles I’m trying to run, literally, figuratively–in every way, I am worn out. But I’ve got five minutes, and I’m sure you do too, so we’re gonna let ‘er rip, set these pent up words loose, just for five minutes, and then we link up and share some encouragement, because it builds community, invites new friendships, and because it’s the right thing to do. Lisa-Jo gives the prompt, and today, it’s See.

Go.

Weeping my way through the aisles of the grocery store the words fell out of my mouth so raw and real I immediately wished I could suck them right back in–drop the call and forget the whole conversation ever happened.

But there they were, my bloody words causing salty tears to spill while I’m standing there next to the frozen pizza’s.

She quotes that scripture to me that supposed to be encouraging, “He delights in you” she says, and my throat’s closing up, I open the freezer and try to breath the stiff, icy air. When she asks me what I think when she says that I say it plain as day without thinking, that today, those words are painful. Her silence isn’t awkward at all, but I have walked three laps ’round the chip aisle and the revelation weighs a million pounds and nothing all, at once because there’s freedom in being real and honest, even when it’s ugly and unexpected. Why would words so tender and beautiful burn so hot and uncomfortable?

Suddenly I’m back to the beginning of this year when God told me (warned me, maybe?) that He was going to teach me about trust this year and I’ve made a mess of things straight from the jump, believing with my words but doubting with my heart. I’ve held tight to my dreams these last few months because I don’t see who God really is.

Life and let down have told me lies about His character and sitting by the campfire with the evil twins fear and doubt, I’ve stumbled into a blindness and grown a crusted heart where truth scratches and itches at the surface for a place to seep in–

Mindlessly staring at muffin mixes, I realize what is necessary. I need to know Him. I need to see Him. I know if I truly saw Him, I would believe Him. I’m always the Peter and tonight, a Thomas too.

“I believe; help my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24)

Stop.

*I’m hitting pause in this space for the month of June. I will be around, and will be running guest posts, but not posting here myself. If you’ve got words to share, I invite you to email them to me or message me on twitter or Facebook. I’d love to share my space with you this month.

Oh and PS:

I’m honored to be guest posting today over at Ashlie’s place. Do you have a Hiding Place? Come join me and let’s talk about it. Click Here.

Congratulations, Nikki! You won the Book Giveaway! I’ll be contacting you Immediately. Thanks to everyone else who entered. 

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Comments

  1. Wow… I am not sure I have words to do this justice. Your honest life and walk compel me to want to seek God with more abandon of self, allowing Him unhindered access to shape and mold me…

    Your walk makes me hunger for God more… thank you for your honesty and obedience to Him… Blessings to you as you take time off this month…

    Reply
    1. alwaysalleluia

      Yes, seek Him more, abandon self, allow Him the all-access, backstage pass to my inner mess. That’s exactly it. It’s a hard but GOOD place to be. Even as I work through it, I give thanks for His gentleness as He excises the wounds. Thank you for your words, they encourage me to go “all-in”. XO

      Reply
  2. Love this Kris. Honesty is what draws us out and God in. I’m walking these very steps with you and my heart knows this place as familiar as the frozen pizza aisle. I’ll miss your beautiful words this month but praying you are refreshed and blessed in your time away. Love to you, dear one.

    Reply
    1. alwaysalleluia

      Thank you, Alia-Joy. I so greatly appreictae your kindness. I know you undrstand. I’ll be lurking around, I look forward to sharing the life lessons in July. 😉

      Reply
  3. Ohhhh, I can relate . . . I have real twin daughters . . . and I share the twins of fear and doubt. I know that lonliness, wondering where God is and what He is teaching. I’ve had Scripture quoted I knew – but it can come at the wrong time. I am thankful no matter what, we ARE in the palm of His hands – He never lets go – even in our doubts.
    and unbelief.

    http://writingcanvas.wordpress.com/

    Reply
    1. alwaysalleluia

      Yes, I am so thankful He never lets us go! I can’t imagine. He is so gracious and giving. and I KNOW He loves me, I just want to wear that robe with peace and full acceptance. Thank you, Loni. Bless you, kind friend.

      Reply
  4. Friend, I absolutely know this place, and as much as it hurts, this is such a beautiful place to be. He meets each of us here, in our struggle to believe and trust and see. Your rawness, your vulnerability, your leaning in and modeling choosing Him, as you lean into community– and His heart — is powerful. Thank you. So grateful.

    Reply
    1. alwaysalleluia

      Oh this blessed community! It is amazing, isn’t it? I have met som many encouraging faces in these comment boxes and blog pages… I know He uses you to speak His truth to me. I am so deeply grateful. And your words today? Oh, my friend. Breathtaking.

      Reply
  5. Ro elliott

    Kris…Thank you for your honesty…life and this world do help formulate a wrong view of God. I lived for so long with the wrong picture of who God really was and how He worked in my life. I can tell you…He is faithful…even when we are not…that He pursues us…even when we run the other way…He longs for a relationship with us…this still blows my mind. He will meet you…He will speak and sing His love song over you. and as you get to know how much you are truly loved by Him…the scales fall away…and you will see HIm…really see through the eyes of love. I will miss hearing your words…but have a blessed and refreshing break~

    Reply
  6. Hang in there Kris, He DOES delight in you and has made you new even if it doesn’t feel like it. Learning trust is tough and God knows exactly how to touch the tough spots in our hearts. That mustard seed of faith which has cried out “help my unbelief” is enough. Praying for you.

    Reply
  7. Oh, Kris…I can relate to this on so many levels. I wish I had beautiful words to put in a comment, but I don’t. You are not alone. He loves you (& me) just the way we are. He is holding us in his VERY OWN HAND. And because of Him – we are beautiful and lovely and special.

    Hugs to you, my friend. Enjoy the month of June.

    Mary
    http://memyselfandmercy.blogspot.com/

    Reply
    1. alwaysalleluia

      Mary, thank you. It is always a comfort to know I am not alone. Ia m so grateful for your encouragement and friendship. Your words ARE beautiful.

      Reply
  8. cdadkison

    Oh…if I could hug you right now I would…I can relate to your feeling of unbelief. I have seen God be so faithful when I was not and still til this day, I sit in disbelief at that notion. Just the other day I was a crying blubber mess asking the Lord to save my family because lately it is a mess and I saw Him…He worked in me.
    It is hard to be where you are, but you crying out in honesty despite it is what God desires…for us to be real with Him, giving ALL the good, the bad and the ugly, and depending on Him to fix it, work in it and through it. He is holding you and rest in that today. Praying for you today.

    Reply
    1. alwaysalleluia

      He is always faithful. nad that is partly why I struggle with my doubt. Not ever, once, has He ever failed me. He can be trusted. He is good and at work in me and in you. Praying He comforts you as you struggle with your family, crying out to him with you. 2 or more gathered in His name…

      Reply
  9. Praying you see Him and the way He loves you during your time away from the blog. May you be planted deep in the rich soil of who He is, who you are in Him. Appreciate your honesty Kris, it’s inspiring.

    Reply
  10. Becky Daye

    Thank you for your words and your honesty! It reminds me of the line from Ginny Owen’s song, “but you never said it would be easy, you only said I’d never go alone”.

    Reply
  11. Oh precious one, it is our weak yes that delights His heart more than the times we agree boldly to come. He delights in You. You are His and He is Yours. May the light of His face shine upon you in this season of stepping back.

    Reply
  12. Laura

    This touches me to my core. I struggle so much with the same thing…believing & doubting, constantly wondering why my faith is not big enough. I know that God is provident, and merciful, and gracious, and kind, but every single day I wrestle with my weakness. Thank you so much for sharing this.

    Reply
    1. alwaysalleluia

      But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9 Clinging to this verse with you, Laura. What grace this truth is!!

      Reply
  13. You are right, dear one. I better come over for coffee.
    Oh how He pursues us. He’s desperately trying to show us the real Him. Striving with you to see. See beyond the noise of this world that so entangles us.
    This whole time I’ve been trying to find the balance. Of living in this world and not of it. of living out my life while being who He’s made me to be. It’s all been a balancing act to me. That book I was telling you about “messy spirituality” calls balance a temptress.
    and finally. I’m starting to see.

    I have more to share, but won’t take up more of this space here. I’ll be in touch soon, friend.

    and yay for the giveaway–thank you!

    Reply
    1. alwaysalleluia

      How awesome would that coffe meet up be?! balance, I have not figured that word out at all, and as an extrovert whose heart beats obviously on my sleeve, I am not even good at pretending I can balance it all. Anyways, I’m done pretending. Christ calls us to real, authentic, messy community, with Him first and then with each other. Trying with you, to be who He’s created me to be, and allow Him in to fill the various cracks and holes I’ve left untended for too long…. love to you, my friend.

      Reply

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