It’s Friday, just a couple minutes into the new day and my eye lids droop with exhaustion, my feet hurt from the miles I’m trying to run, literally, figuratively–in every way, I am worn out. But I’ve got five minutes, and I’m sure you do too, so we’re gonna let ‘er rip, set these pent up words loose, just for five minutes, and then we link up and share some encouragement, because it builds community, invites new friendships, and because it’s the right thing to do. Lisa-Jo gives the prompt, and today, it’s See.
Weeping my way through the aisles of the grocery store the words fell out of my mouth so raw and real I immediately wished I could suck them right back in–drop the call and forget the whole conversation ever happened.
But there they were, my bloody words causing salty tears to spill while I’m standing there next to the frozen pizza’s.
She quotes that scripture to me that supposed to be encouraging, “He delights in you” she says, and my throat’s closing up, I open the freezer and try to breath the stiff, icy air. When she asks me what I think when she says that I say it plain as day without thinking, that today, those words are painful. Her silence isn’t awkward at all, but I have walked three laps ’round the chip aisle and the revelation weighs a million pounds and nothing all, at once because there’s freedom in being real and honest, even when it’s ugly and unexpected. Why would words so tender and beautiful burn so hot and uncomfortable?
Suddenly I’m back to the beginning of this year when God told me (warned me, maybe?) that He was going to teach me about trust this year and I’ve made a mess of things straight from the jump, believing with my words but doubting with my heart. I’ve held tight to my dreams these last few months because I don’t see who God really is.
Life and let down have told me lies about His character and sitting by the campfire with the evil twins fear and doubt, I’ve stumbled into a blindness and grown a crusted heart where truth scratches and itches at the surface for a place to seep in–
Mindlessly staring at muffin mixes, I realize what is necessary. I need to know Him. I need to see Him. I know if I truly saw Him, I would believe Him. I’m always the Peter and tonight, a Thomas too.
“I believe; help my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24)
*I’m hitting pause in this space for the month of June. I will be around, and will be running guest posts, but not posting here myself. If you’ve got words to share, I invite you to email them to me or message me on twitter or Facebook. I’d love to share my space with you this month.
Oh and PS:
I’m honored to be guest posting today over at Ashlie’s place. Do you have a Hiding Place? Come join me and let’s talk about it. Click Here.
Congratulations, Nikki! You won the Book Giveaway! I’ll be contacting you Immediately. Thanks to everyone else who entered.
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