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When You’re Still In The (Prayer) Closet

When You’re Still In The (Prayer) Closet

A few weeks ago I published a post over at (in)courage talking about not talking about your junk while God’s still working on you. In that post, I shared about the value of keeping your business between you and God while it’s still in progress—l used the analogy of not inviting the entire waiting room into your therapy session, because really, who would do that? 

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And since then, (before then, really), I’ve been in such a place, a waiting, refining place, and while Ive wanted to process it here, I have held back for the sake of following my own advice and being the person I say that I am. I have some hard junk staring me down these days, and no, in the grand scheme of life, these struggles are not catastrophic by any stretch. But pain is relative, and while my stuff doesn’t compare to world hunger, sex trafficking or any other legit atrocity, in my small world, the wrestlings are still hard, and still painful, in their own right.

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If you’ve ever carried a dream too big for you to handle, you know what I’m talking about. If you’ve ever wanted something while simultaneously not wanting it, for fear that you will mismanage it, then you know what I’m talking about. If you’ve ever thought you heard God so clearly, only to find yourself wandering around seemingly lost, questioning the very thing you were so sure you heard, then, you know what I’m talking about. If you’ve ever had your heart broken by the crushing weight of someone’s well-meaning words, then you know what I’m talking about. If you’ve ever worn your rose-tinted glasses too long in the dark, without taking them off  to survey the reality of your environment, then you know what I’m talking about…being in process with Jesus can feel a little light Fight Club. 

We’re not supposed to talk about Fight Club. It’s the cardinal rule, man. What happens in the (prayer) closet, stays in the (prayer) closet. I’m in the closet with Jesus these days and as much as I want out, as much as I keep thinking that surely, we’re wrapping this session up, He’s standing in front of the door.

He is the door. He’s not exactly saying it, but His posture says, “you’re not going out, except through me.” 

He is the Way. The only Way. And the Way, is standing in my way (Thank God). 

Of course, I am no dummy. I have been singed enough times by the Refiner’s fire to know that though it hurts so good, (“sometimes love don’t feel like it should”) I don’t actually want what I think I want. I know that to ask Him to step aside, is suicide. It’s just that, I forgot how hard it can be to step out in faith. I forgot how hard hope really is. I forgot how hard it is to wait. 

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So I’m still here, sitting in the ashes looking for answers to questions that compound day after day. Swimming at the pool with my kids, sitting in the driveway reading books while they pop-wheelies and hop curbs on their bikes. I’m here, having afternoon chats with my neighbors and early morning coffee with friends, trading words on the internet for the ones penned quietly in my journal. And so it must be. For now. 

Where are you these days? if you can talk about it, leave me a word or two in the comments that describes your season. Can’t talk about it? That’s ok. I understand. I do. Just stay put, eh? Let it unfold in it’s season. You can’t hurry the Holy. 

PS: I’m telling you this now, because in telling you this, I will also be held accountable (wink)–on Monday (8/8), I’m giving away a copy of the new book, Soul Bare. It’s a crazy-beautiful book, I can’t wait to share it with you!

Comments

    1. Kris Camealy Author

      I miss it too Tammy. I don’t know if I like the new era of blogging. I suppose it has it’s own beauty, but I miss the old days… And I feel you. It’s always better when He’s blocking me from doing things my way. Praying for you as you walk with Him… Xo

      Reply
  1. Emily Buller

    Oh Kris, this really hit home for me. Big dreams and only one way to get there. I find myself not knowing what the next step is, but yet I have the quiet reassurance that the Lord will show the way as I lean in and surrender.

    Reply
    1. Kris Camealy Author

      Emily, I hear you, friend I do. I can;t tell you how many times a day I say to myself, “God is faithful”. It’s a reminder I need constantly these days, followed by reminding myself that His faithfulness doesn’t always look like what I want it too. Praying with you. Xo

      Reply
  2. Sometimes I tangle myself up in the figuring out and I forget the listening. But I’m getting better at it. In fact, I’m not in ashes right now.
    But why do I keep looking over my shoulder to see if the darkness is going to overtake me? Why, in this season of rest, am I so worried about “what’s next?”
    Darn it.
    Blessings every day (and waiting for that book),
    Nancy

    Reply
    1. Kris Camealy Author

      Nancy, I get this. I do this too sometimes. I hope you can lean full-in to this sweeter season and let it restore and refresh you. It is indeed a gift. Thanks for being here and taking the time to comment.

      Reply
  3. Where am I? Literally sitting with my heart in my hands holding it out to Father and feeling it break in pieces yet knowing it somehow remains whole in His care. My oldest who is not yet 17 (November) worked her tail off to graduate this past spring and has been accepted to a college far far from home. She’s been awarded one merit scholarship and is applying for other scholarships. She’s working 3 different jobs and preparing to leave for the winter term in 2017. And I cannot breathe. And I cannot stop crying and I continually hear Him tell me how ready she is and I KNOW how true His whispers are. I have no regrets about how we raised her and the choices we made for schooling and such. It has been good and full and God is getting ready to move in her world in a way that will draw her even closer to Him. To say I am excited for her is an understatement. And yet, I cannot contain the tears that keep leaking out of my soul. Thankfully she knows I am behind her 100% and just hugs me or keeps playing the piano and singing while I sit next to her and sob. Does it make sense to have such joy and such sorrow simultaneously? Thankfully my younger kids also understand how emotionally transparent I am, and have learned how healthy tears can be. So that’s where I am this moment and not even sure why I felt so prompted to share. But thanks, had a good cry whilst typing. Love your words, by the way. ❤️
    I think this resonated so with me because I know He is moving and He will reveal His plans for our family and His provisions and He will reveal Himself. I feel like I’m literally sitting holding my heart knowing He’s gonna show up big.

    Reply
    1. Kris Camealy Author

      Lori, it means a lot that you felt like you could share this here. Thank you for trusting this little piece of yourself to me in this space. I am praying that this evening, God will comfort your Mama heart and help you to make this transition with your girl with peace and hope. He is with you all, He has made a way for your daughter and will be with her as she steps into the rest of her life. And He sill be with you in her absence. ((hugs))

      Reply

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