Faith

Where I first Talk about Depression ~A Guest Post

I’m pressing pause here for the month of June and have asked several blogging friends if they would kindly share their words here. Today’s post come from my sweet blogging friend, Steph, whom I have only met in the comments of my blog, and on her own site. Her words today speak of great struggle, but offer tremendous hope. I pray you’re encouraged by them, as I have been.

I remember rocking my firstborn in the middle of night, her all sleepy-eyed with milk slowly making its way from the corner of her puckered lips in seeming rhythm with the tears slowly making their way down my smooth cheek.

And with a heart about to burst with an overwhelming love never felt in quite that same way. . . came heavy, dark emotions that threatened as fiercely as an early summer’s storm. Raging. Stirring. Hinting at the torrent that lay underneath.

And I would rock on.

And sing.

And pray–desperate pleas. As I imagined. As I thought—of the garage only a few strides away. Of the possibilities. Of the relief of ending it before life as I knew it continued.

And do you wonder where one goes when she’s feeling this way? What hope she can find when the world around looks confusing and terrifying? When her very essence seems to have disappeared into the night and what has come into her body and possessed it is a very betrayal of everything she has ever held dear?

And the answers; they didn’t feel like answers at all.

“This, too, shall pass.”
“Pray more.”
“It’s just a funk.”
“You just need to get out more.”
“You’re focusing too much on your baby and not enough on God.”
“Get back into a routine quiet time.”

Fingers. all pointing. to my ineptness.To my inability to pull myself out of the sucking quicksand that was only minutes away from totally pulling me under. The vacuum of darkness.

It was always there. just beyond my reach. I could feel it. I could sense its presence. I knew that with one wrong move I was gone.

Lost. Forever.

Fast forward a couple of years, and two more babies, and you have enough emotional and hormonal turmoil to fell even the strongest of women. Of which I was not.

It wasn’t until a multitude of physical symptoms came knocking on my door and presented themselves to a rather astute physician that I got help. Unwillingly. Hesitantly. Without much hope. I bore the scars of shame, not being good enough, not being able to please my God enough on my own.

And the roller coaster ride of those early years of parenting became years filled with secrets. Whispers. Sharing in hushed tones as I found women with similar stories who needed offerings of hope. Offerings that I was only able to give as a result of someone pouring them into me. Someone seeing my need and offering me a new perspective on how God saw me. How very much He loved me.

And then it was a few years after that when I finally came under the care of a practitioner who helped me understand brain chemistry. Who could measure certain things. who could help me fathom what was going on within my own body.

And the day I walked into her office, she told me my lab results, and asked, “based on this number, alone, it’s a wonder you haven’t killed yourself”.
That was the day I knew grace. That God had been present. That rather than deserting me, He had been by my side the entire time. And while my journey was far from being complete, His promise to continue alongside me was still good and true.

He does have a plan for me. And He is faithfully completing it. Day in. Day out. Until the day of full healing and restoration I will experience in His presence. for eternity. Amen.

Hanging on with hope through the journey until then,

 Alongside loving her Lord more & more every day, Steph is the wife of one incredible & astute detective, homeschooling mom to four amazing tweens and teens, and lover of anything that gives her some space and quiet 🙂 Her experiences with chronic pain, depression, raising kiddos with special needs, and part-time work as a nurse all feed her writing and perspective of hope amidst the messes of life. You can read her writing at Only Here, Only Now, find her on facebook, or follow her on twitter.

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0 thoughts on “Where I first Talk about Depression ~A Guest Post

  1. Pamela Kuhn

    Probably only heaven will reveal those you have–and will–touch with your openness. I’ve found that with the chronic pain since nobody can “see” the pain they assume it’s not there. I’m thankful our Heavenly Father knows.

    Reply
    1. HopeUnbroken

      me, too, pamela. me, too! so thankful for you, and the encouragement you are always so generous in sharing. thank you for being you, and for the prayers you lift up on my behalf. it’s a blessing to be getting to know you. steph

      Reply
  2. messymarriage

    Depression is such a burden to bear in this life–especially as a mom, who homeschools and works part-time! Yikes! You’ve done an amazing thing, Steph–or God in you. But the very fact that you’ve allowed God to walk “alongside” you through this valley is a great testimony and encouragement to all of us. Thanks for this beautiful word!

    Reply
    1. HopeUnbroken

      thanks, Beth. you named it–“God in you.” i claim no victory other than what He has allowed me to achieve. step by step. thanks for your encouragement. you always have such kind words.
      steph

      Reply
  3. bluecottonmemory

    Sometimes God wants healing to come through a physician – and I am so glad that you found to give you answers – I believe that was a God thing. Your story is so encouraging – and we women need that kind of encouragement! Thank you for sharing!

    Reply
    1. HopeUnbroken

      yes, i do think there are many ways to healing, and they all won’t work for every one person. and that’s a whole ‘nother blog post 🙂 what i do now isn’t what i did for many years. and may not be what i’m doing ten years from now. but God continues to reveal the plan as i walk it out. and that is wherein the hope lies.
      thanks for sharing here with me,
      steph

      Reply
  4. alwaysalleluia

    Thanks you, Steph for sharing your words here, I know this was not easy to write, but I am so grateful you went *there* and laid it out. I think, as humans, particularly as Christians, we feel compelled to present the perfect image. There is such freedom in being real, and raw and letting our struggles and scars show. God’s handiwork in and through us is glorified all the more when we admit how desperate we were for the saving. For His glory, my friend. All by His loving hands…. thank you. ((hugs))

    Reply
    1. HopeUnbroken

      hugs received 🙂 desperate for the saving–yes. saved by grace. offering up a daily sacrifice. . . sometimes of lament, working toward praise. love the people He’s placed around me here to encourage. thanks, again, for being you and sharing your space today!

      Reply
  5. Jessica

    It’s remarkable how many women hide their depression…out of fear. As one who has struggled with it off and on for much of my life, I applaud you for reaching out to other women in this way!

    Reply
  6. brian miller

    i am glad that you are sharing it…i think that many deal with it and really try to keep it hidden but as we share we find we are not alone…love that you realize he was/is there with you the whole time….many need to hear that as well..

    Reply
    1. HopeUnbroken

      just saw this comment today, and want you to know it has blessed me. maybe i needed to hear it today, rather than when it was posted? thank you. truly.

      Reply
  7. What a brave post. And a little bit scary because none of us wants to look too closely at our humanness. I’ve lived with and loved people struggling with depression on and off for my whole life. I appreciate you sharing your story.

    Reply
  8. Emily Wierenga

    wow friend. sometimes it’s only in looking back that we see his hand, and know the reality of faith. you inspire me.

    Reply
    1. HopeUnbroken

      thank you, emily. just now seeing this, but am more blessed than if i’d seen it when posted. i needed to read this TODAY. you are beautiful 🙂

      Reply

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